The Shadow of Blame, the Shadow of Placation

In friendships and in partnered and professional relationships, there are many opportunities to support and reinforce your own delusions and those of the people closest to you. This sometimes happens out of ignorance, as when two mean-spirited or simply clueless people join each other in blaming a third party for an affront without any awareness of their own contribution to the issue. Blame can assist the process of interpersonal "triangulation"—when two people focus on another person, group, or issue (the third point of the triangle) in a way that makes them psychologically blind to the tensions and unresolved issues in their own relationship. As Daniel Ladinsky writes, in a poem inspired by the 14th-century Persian poet Hafiz, "Blame keeps the sad game going. It keeps stealing all of your wealth and giving it to an imbecile with no financial skills."

While ignorance can foster blaming, so can anger and hatred. You don't have to look too far to see how anger and blame play out in the political arena, for example. Anger and hatred are often in search of a cause or object that is then attached to the emotion. An outburst of blind anger is more likely to sound like, "That S.O.B. really pisses me off" than "I'm feeling angry, and I need to take some time for myself to cool down and look more deeply into it."

The shadow of blame is placation (i.e., "making nice" instead of "being truthful"). While blame can be easily fueled by ignorance and anger, placation derives much of its energy from fear. The fear of rocking the boat, disappointing someone, being judged, feeling uncomfortable—the conditions for placating can be very complex, and for many people, a pattern of placation is rooted in early family dynamics. Keeping the peace in a chaotic, dysfunctional family is often preferred to the alternative. As with blame, placation stunts personal growth and disconnects the individual from their emotions and internal dynamics. In distressed partnered relationships, there can be a "dance" between a placater and a blamer, with each member of the couple adopting one of those roles. Thinking about this dance in terms of unconscious dynamics has helped me understand that the shadow of the placater is blame, and the shadow of the blamer is placation. It's relatively easy to see how placation can result in internalized anger and blame; that dynamic can also contribute to feelings of distance, coldness, and depression in a relationship. It's more of a stretch to see how blame can be a form of placation. Blame can be a form of placation when it functions to suppress the anger in another. The familiarity of blame—to the blamer—just might be preferable to the uncertainty of what might emerge from a placater when the rules of the game are changed.

What can help change the dynamic of placation and blame? I'm reminded of the sage advice of the iconic family therapist Carl Whitaker, MD, who once said that "guts," not insight, are required for change. While insight is a good first step, making a change in your relationship requires the willingness and courage to step into unknown territory.

Questions for exploration:

Who or what am I blaming in my life? What's the cost of blaming (e.g., responsibility, emotional freedom, etc.)?

Who am I placating in my life? What's the cost of placating (e.g., energy, honesty, intimacy, etc.)?

Reference

Ladinsky, D. (1999). The gift: Poems by Hafiz the great Sufi master. Penguin Compass.

© 2026 Larry Cammarata, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist and Mindfulness Educator

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