There Are Six People in the Marital Bed
"In the marital bed, there are six people." I'll never forget those words stated by the iconic master of family therapy, Carl Whitaker, M.D., during one of his many workshops I attended several decades ago. Dr. Whitaker further elaborated, "In the marital bed, there's the couple, his parents, and her parents. The battle is about which couple will ultimately determine the course of the relationship."
Carl's brilliant, provocative metaphor speaks to the unconscious influences that exist in all long-term relationships, regardless of gender or marital status. For example, will the relationship become a mirror of your parents’ relationship? This, of course, is not necessarily a dysfunctional process. However, to the degree that the process is unconscious and transmits destructive patterns, your relationship can become "haunted" by the ghosts of a past that you might prefer to put to rest.
Where can a couple begin to create a relationship structure that's not based upon unconscious conditioning? One place to start is by clearly identifying your values and then asking yourself and your partner or spouse—with rigorous honesty—how your thoughts, speech, and actions align with those values.
Can the conscious identification of core values prevent dysfunctional cross-generational patterns from arising? In a word, no! However, identifying those values can be a resource for you to draw upon when the unconscious forces come knocking on your door like long-lost family members looking for a place to stay. You don't have to kick them out of your house, which is an impossible task anyway, since you aren't even consciously aware of their presence. What you can do is learn to recognize when they've arrived. Then you'll have a choice: to entertain them, ignore them, or engage them in an intentional, values-oriented way.
If those visiting "family members" can't be perceived, how do you know that they're present in your relationship? Look for their "footprints" in your relationship: actions that seem out of character, slips of the tongue, emotional reactivity, sullen withdrawal, angry outbursts, negative judgments, expressions that reflect your upbringing, and other behaviors that mirror the conditioning of dysfunctional relationships.
Will this information help to solve my relationship problems? In this moment, I'm imagining Dr. Whitaker laughing at the question and replying, "Relationships can't be solved. They can only be lived... and information won't take you very far." To quote Oscar Wilde, "Nothing that is worth knowing can be taught." And I first heard that Wilde line from Dr. Whitaker himself.
Information and Insight Are Not Enough
While information can be like a flashlight illuminating a path in the dark of night, healing occurs when you skillfully walk that path with openness, acceptance, and responsibility. Willingness and the courage to transform your relationship are required. And of course, professional assistance and/or the support of a caring community can facilitate change.
One last Dr. Whitaker quote comes to mind, which I paraphrase here: "It takes guts to make a change, not insight."
Originally published on LinkedIn, 2019. © 2019, 2026 Larry Cammarata, Ph.D., Licensed Psychologist and Mindfulness Educator
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